What you need to do is

What you need to do is.... ANY ASSHOLE CAN DO IT·

I had the pleasure of having my business model explained to me by a self professed entrepreneur and new media guru.. think trust fund baby without the trust and you-tuber without the views.. In the olden days we called them twats, now I think they are called post employment influencers.

This charming young fellow explained to me that I needed to jazz up my marketing if I wanted to excite and attract that valuable 20 something demographic. Gone were the days of straightforward descriptions and realistic ideals what I need is some powerful 1-2 punch tag lines and some great hashtags!!! Times have changed and I needed to change with them if I wanted to get that money!” ... yo So I bring to you our new “heat activated charcoal & plant essence infused paraffin PHionish” (™) © formerly known as a fire, linseed oil and wax....

After listening to this unsolicited and unwanted advice for the better part of 30 mins, I shit you not, he says, “ listen I like you I’m going to help you out cuz I like what you do, I am all about helping young business owners I’m going to bring you in on my new project and let you make the furniture for my new web blog. Because this is such a great chance for you to reach new audiences and customers we are not going to pay you but the exposure will be amazing... what do you think?”

I paused , put a sincere thoughtful look on my face and said, “ let me consult my marketing department>” I turned to look at the wall for 3 seconds, turned back and said, “ yea that's’ a hard no.” Dude honestly looked confused when I refused, as in how could I refuse this amazing opportunity to make free furniture for Him?. He spent another 10 or so mins trying to make me see the error of my ways... and then got offended, then bitchy, then petty and finally he sauntered off.... sauntered no shit.

Moral of the story: when you sit at a bar and some cliche hipster fuktwit asks you “what you do?”, pretend you don’t speak English...